Encyclopædicus Alcoholicus

Being the Modern Gentleman's Mentor in All Matters Intoxicating, with many Humourous Anecdotes and Instructive Fables for his Edification and Education.

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Absinthe: A potent brew of spirits flavoured with wormwood and other herbs, absinthe was banned in most civilised countries when it was observed that it drove people mad. Would that modern governments exhibit such concern for the wellbeing of their citizens!
Alcohol: Properly, ethyl alcohol C₂H₅OH, the Nectar of the Gods. A colourless volatile fluid for producing colourful and volatile behaviour in human beings.
Alcopop: An invention of Satan to sate the needs of those spineless wretches who wish to be drinkers but have not the will to acquire a taste for the stuff.

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Beer: A drink made of malted barley and flavoured with hops. First invented in Egypt where it was known as `zythum', the recipe has been much modified in the intervening years, sometimes to produce sublime wonders such as stout and porter, other times to its detriment, often producing such abortions as those that trade under the name of `American lager'.
Bitter: A type of beer brewed in England. Alas, its robust flavour is lost on the callow tastebuds of the modern British youth, who have taken to their hearts instead the hunnish practices of lager and alcopop, much to the chagrin of CAMRA and serious drinkers everywhere.
Buckfast: A wine-based potion concocted by English monks, it has medicinal qualities, proving highly effective at curing bladder control, fluency, and other ills of the sober man. A favourite among vagrants, who can afford no better, and perurious University students, who ought to know better.
Budweiser: American lager. Like many visitors from those shores, it lacks taste and is irritatingly effervescent. Its advertising materia feature horses prominently, leading many to speculate darkly upon its origins.

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CAMRA: The Campaign for Real Ale, an illustrious British organisation who, by means of protest and cajolery, attempt to restore to British beer those qualities lost by mass-production, namely flavour and potability.
Cider: Alcoholic beverage made from apples. Drunk by those not so much seeking oblivion as planning to foist oblivion on others, generally by violent means, hence its oft-heard appelation of `madman soup'.
Cold Flow Guinness: 'Tis said that the Devil can quote Scripture to suit his whim; the existence of Cold Flow Guinness shews that he can pull pints to suit his whim also. By reducing the serving temperature of their stout in an attempt to ingratiate it with alcopop drinkers, lager users, and other criminals, the Guinness company has removed the very virtues that makes their product popular among discerning drinkers, viz. its robust malty palette and silky texture.
Cyanar: German beverage made from artichokes. The authors wish to apologise for this, and hope that Parliament may be prevailed upon to make such things illegal.

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Dill: Pungent herb used mainly to flavour pickles and other preserves. Scandanavians and other dastardly foreigners are known to abuse perfectly good alcohol by flavouring it with dill.

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Gin: Grain alcohol flavoured with juniper berries and other herbs. Mixed with tonic water, the drink of vulgar females who wish to appear sophisticated.
Guinness: The One True Beer, of which all others are pale imitations. Dark, malty, and velvety, the pleasure in its consumption is somewhat marred by its unfortunate effects on the digestive system.

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Harp: Lager brewed in Northern Ireland. Its harsh metallic taste is not, as the ignorant would have it, the result of its being brewed from spent Armalite shell casings. The real reason is far more disturbing and cannot be related here.

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Lager: A pale, poisonous exhalation from the tombs of plague victims gathered by the unholy and sold to the vulgar for the purposes of genocide. Weak, gassy, and utterly lacking in character, this alleged drink is distinguished from all others by its total lack of flavour.

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Moonshine: Alcoholic drink without the decency to have a brand name or an advertising account, therefore reviled in polite society.

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Red Bull: An expensive energy drink which, when mixed with vodka, proves a popular restorative amongst the young and affluent; the effects of which are described as similar to having a car battery dropped on one: a powerful buzz but very bad for the head.
Rum: Kind of naturally occurring black ooze that bubbles to the surface of the Earth in heathen South America, where cunning locals bottle it and sell it to the white man, fabricating some half-baked story about it being fermented sugar cane juice to disguise its subterranean origin. When mixed with patent Coca-Cola, it is popular amongst females of loose morals.
Rye whiskey: After having proved with Budweiser that they are incapable of brewing beer, the indominatable Yankees return to show that they are incapable of making whiskey either. Rye is highly prized in Europe as rubbing liniment and as rat poison.

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Schnapps: Quaint German pasttime where anything close to hand containing sugar is converted into an alcholic beverage. The neighbours are then invited to guess what was used in the manufacture of the schnapps before their legs fall off. We note in the `Anecdotus Alcoholicus' of von Pischt that in the year 1457, the Braümeister of Kötzchen, Heinrik Menschfresser, was publicly burned for broaching a hogshead of his infamous Kinderschnapps on the Kaiser's birthday.
Shandy: Drink made from mixing beer and lemonade in various proportions. The drink of the man made weak and effeminate through excessive self- manipulation of the venereal organs.
Spritzer: A mixture of white wine and sparkling water: the shandy of the upwardly mobile. As true drinkers would rather saw off their own legs than imbibe either of the ingredients of a spritzer-- nor do they benefit from their admixture-- this potion is strictly for those wishing to appear more sophisticated than gin and tonic drinkers. But not much more sophisticated.

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Vodka: Distilled Russian beverage made from grain or molasses. Its name means `little water'. After sampling several bottles of duty-free Black Label Smirnoff this yesternight, the author can vouch that there is very little water indeed in vodka.

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Wine: Drink made of grapes. The grapes are crushed and the resulting juice decanted into casks, where industrious microbes endeavour to convert it into vinegar. Alas, these miniature marvels are thwarted in their task, for unscrupulous Frenchmen pour the stuff into bottles with the job only half-done. The resulting half-vinegar is sold at outrageous prices wherever pretentious people are to be found. Wine is renowned for its extraordinary time- reversal effects, which causes its drinkers to utter nonsense before a drop has passed their lips.
Whiskey: Irish Grain alcohol aged in brandy casks to produce a golden nectar totally unlike that Scottish privy-outflow that trades under a similar name.

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